& I don't know, where the time goes, but it sure goes fast, just like that..Had no excuses for the things that we'd done. We were brave, we were crazy, we were mostly..Young.
Today, I had a long (and great) conversation with Kelli. It's like we picked up where we left off. Is that just something I have a knack for? Or is it that I can't completely let go of the past, no matter what's happened since. Maybe it's God or somebody up there telling me that I should give it a second chance.
It doesn't matter. I'm reconnecting with her for some reason. Maybe we're meant to be friends now. Maybe I'll never know. All I know is that I missed her and that I was very happy to talk about all our hilarious memories. Where will it go? I guess I will just have to wait and see. Like everything. She is Christina or Brianne. I won't pour my heart out and give anything and everything to rekindle our friendship, but I'm definitely not ruling it out.
Like my mom told me today.."You can never have too many friends."
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I Stumbled Across Your Picture Today ; I Could Barely Breathe...
"I'm screaming at the sky... What do I with all I need to say? So much I wanna tell you..It break my heart. I've got these tears in my heart, but they get lost in the blue. Cause there's no address in stars.."
Dear Grandma,
It's 12:13 A.M. Not tragically late, but I know I need to be in bed, sleeping. But, I needed to write. Write something. Anything. As I wrote, I realized what needed to be said. I need to tell you how I feel. I know that you'll never read this or any possible letters in the future. Maybe you're reading over my should. I can hope, can't I? You taught me me that, you know. To hope.
You taught me more than I could ever express now or ever could have while you were still here. You taught me to endure, learn, and become a better because of every heartbreaking situation. How to pick up those broken pieces and make a better life for myself. That if I never experienced pain, I would never learn. That someone's life is always worse than your own and so, you need to be thankful for what you have been given. You taught me to forgive and to love unconditionally. You showed me how to see the bright side of any situation, even if I never will learn a most optimistic award.
Most of all I needed to write you because currently I'm filled with regret. I should have visited you more often . I don't believe in excuses. However, in my defense, it killed me a little more each time I saw and talked to the shell which was now my Grandma. It hurt me to see you try so hard to be you again. I still should have been there, you needed your family, and where was I? Pulling away because it hurt ME. How selfish.
I never called you last year on your birthday. I never even called you back on my birthday. I would even at times blow off your phone messages from my roommates that you had called. I was so upset with you the night of my graduation because you were so concerned with Katie and I talking. Most of all? I never said goodbye.
As I wrote this, I was flooded with memories of you. Not the huge, monumental ones. More like traits, mannerisms. Like how your fingernails were always long, painted at least pink or red. How you would never tell me no when I asked you scratch my legs. You would "steal" Sweet-n-Low from restaurants and ALWAYS had sugar free gum. How you made Nick and I watch music award shows (country ones) whenever you babysat us. You always called me your "best friend". All of these make me feel like you aren't gone forever or just not so far away. Maybe you aren't.
Am I sad? Of course. But you were in so much pain that I cannot help but be happy that you are finally at ease. The night you died, I thought about how you had the chance to see almost all your children here and the ones in Heaven in one night. How incredibly special.
Thank you for always making me laugh. Thank you. For everything.
I Love You,
Jenna
P.S. What's Heaven Like?
Dear Grandma,
It's 12:13 A.M. Not tragically late, but I know I need to be in bed, sleeping. But, I needed to write. Write something. Anything. As I wrote, I realized what needed to be said. I need to tell you how I feel. I know that you'll never read this or any possible letters in the future. Maybe you're reading over my should. I can hope, can't I? You taught me me that, you know. To hope.
You taught me more than I could ever express now or ever could have while you were still here. You taught me to endure, learn, and become a better because of every heartbreaking situation. How to pick up those broken pieces and make a better life for myself. That if I never experienced pain, I would never learn. That someone's life is always worse than your own and so, you need to be thankful for what you have been given. You taught me to forgive and to love unconditionally. You showed me how to see the bright side of any situation, even if I never will learn a most optimistic award.
Most of all I needed to write you because currently I'm filled with regret. I should have visited you more often . I don't believe in excuses. However, in my defense, it killed me a little more each time I saw and talked to the shell which was now my Grandma. It hurt me to see you try so hard to be you again. I still should have been there, you needed your family, and where was I? Pulling away because it hurt ME. How selfish.
I never called you last year on your birthday. I never even called you back on my birthday. I would even at times blow off your phone messages from my roommates that you had called. I was so upset with you the night of my graduation because you were so concerned with Katie and I talking. Most of all? I never said goodbye.
As I wrote this, I was flooded with memories of you. Not the huge, monumental ones. More like traits, mannerisms. Like how your fingernails were always long, painted at least pink or red. How you would never tell me no when I asked you scratch my legs. You would "steal" Sweet-n-Low from restaurants and ALWAYS had sugar free gum. How you made Nick and I watch music award shows (country ones) whenever you babysat us. You always called me your "best friend". All of these make me feel like you aren't gone forever or just not so far away. Maybe you aren't.
Am I sad? Of course. But you were in so much pain that I cannot help but be happy that you are finally at ease. The night you died, I thought about how you had the chance to see almost all your children here and the ones in Heaven in one night. How incredibly special.
Thank you for always making me laugh. Thank you. For everything.
I Love You,
Jenna
P.S. What's Heaven Like?
Friday, February 12, 2010
I'm Not Cryin Because I Feel Sorry For You; I'm Cryin For Me..
"So if you're up there watching me, would you talk to God and say 'Tell him I might need a a hand to see you both someday.."
I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend but I always thought that I'd see you again..
She's gone. My Grandma's gone.
I wanna walk with my grandma. She'll match me step for step. I'll tell her how I've missed her every minute since she's left...then I'll hug her neck.
Shocker? No. Still, I am devastated. I feel selfish. I wanted her to be there for my wedding. I know in some way I know in some way she will be. It still won't be the same.
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this. And it's true that you've reached a better place. Bye bye..
I want the Grandma. The one I grew up with. The one who never failed to make me laugh. No, I mean, harder than ANYONE. The one who as a 9 year old, I would choose to spend countless days at her retirement facility over my friends. The one who would call me her "buddy". She would always give me & Nick something whenever we would leave her apartment and always make us her best meal, though we never wanted to eat it. And as bad it sounds, I somehow.. SOMEHOW, knew I was her favorite. I never remember countless nights she would babysit us and how she would always fall asleep, taping off beat award shows.
I must be strong and carry on cause I don't belong..Here in Heaven.
I could go on and I want to, but on the other hand..those memories. They belong in my mind and my heart. I don't want to forget anything. I'm terrified that sooner or later I will. Someday. I feel so incredibly guilty. I was hardly there in her last years. There are no excuses, but I just couldn't stand to see her go from so vibrant with life to what she was after her stroke. I tried with everything. It killed me inside every time.
Even though I can't touch your face, I feel you with me every day. I wish you could see all my dreams comin true. When I get lost, I close my eyes and I feel you shinin down on me so bright...My grandmother, my angel..
I loved her. I still do. I will FOREVER. I just hope she knows that. What am I talking about? Of course she does. She was no dummy.
I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend but I always thought that I'd see you again..
She's gone. My Grandma's gone.
I wanna walk with my grandma. She'll match me step for step. I'll tell her how I've missed her every minute since she's left...then I'll hug her neck.
Shocker? No. Still, I am devastated. I feel selfish. I wanted her to be there for my wedding. I know in some way I know in some way she will be. It still won't be the same.
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this. And it's true that you've reached a better place. Bye bye..
I want the Grandma. The one I grew up with. The one who never failed to make me laugh. No, I mean, harder than ANYONE. The one who as a 9 year old, I would choose to spend countless days at her retirement facility over my friends. The one who would call me her "buddy". She would always give me & Nick something whenever we would leave her apartment and always make us her best meal, though we never wanted to eat it. And as bad it sounds, I somehow.. SOMEHOW, knew I was her favorite. I never remember countless nights she would babysit us and how she would always fall asleep, taping off beat award shows.
I must be strong and carry on cause I don't belong..Here in Heaven.
I could go on and I want to, but on the other hand..those memories. They belong in my mind and my heart. I don't want to forget anything. I'm terrified that sooner or later I will. Someday. I feel so incredibly guilty. I was hardly there in her last years. There are no excuses, but I just couldn't stand to see her go from so vibrant with life to what she was after her stroke. I tried with everything. It killed me inside every time.
Even though I can't touch your face, I feel you with me every day. I wish you could see all my dreams comin true. When I get lost, I close my eyes and I feel you shinin down on me so bright...My grandmother, my angel..
I loved her. I still do. I will FOREVER. I just hope she knows that. What am I talking about? Of course she does. She was no dummy.
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