I'm Not Cryin Because I Feel Sorry For You; I'm Cryin For Me..

"So if you're up there watching me, would you talk to God and say 'Tell him I might need a a hand to see you both someday.."

I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend but I always thought that I'd see you again..

She's gone. My Grandma's gone.

I wanna walk with my grandma. She'll match me step for step. I'll tell her how I've missed her every minute since she's left...then I'll hug her neck.

Shocker? No. Still, I am devastated. I feel selfish. I wanted her to be there for my wedding. I know in some way I know in some way she will be. It still won't be the same.

It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this. And it's true that you've reached a better place. Bye bye..

I want the Grandma. The one I grew up with. The one who never failed to make me laugh. No, I mean, harder than ANYONE. The one who as a 9 year old, I would choose to spend countless days at her retirement facility over my friends. The one who would call me her "buddy". She would always give me & Nick something whenever we would leave her apartment and always make us her best meal, though we never wanted to eat it. And as bad it sounds, I somehow.. SOMEHOW, knew I was her favorite. I never remember countless nights she would babysit us and how she would always fall asleep, taping off beat award shows.

I must be strong and carry on cause I don't belong..Here in Heaven.

I could go on and I want to, but on the other hand..those memories. They belong in my mind and my heart. I don't want to forget anything. I'm terrified that sooner or later I will. Someday. I feel so incredibly guilty. I was hardly there in her last years. There are no excuses, but I just couldn't stand to see her go from so vibrant with life to what she was after her stroke. I tried with everything. It killed me inside every time.

Even though I can't touch your face, I feel you with me every day. I wish you could see all my dreams comin true. When I get lost, I close my eyes and I feel you shinin down on me so bright...My grandmother, my angel..

I loved her. I still do. I will FOREVER. I just hope she knows that. What am I talking about? Of course she does. She was no dummy.