To Know Who You Are, You Need To Know Where You Came From..

I'm a slacker.

Without a doubt. Ugh. The think that sucks the most is that in years to come, I am going to wish I wrote in this more. However, despite how much I love to write, I just can't seem to keep it updated. I think maybe I out-grew the whole spill your feeling through online journal-ing. Maybe I can just start posting things I wrote in the past.

Anyways, I've suddenly (as in just tonight) become extremely interested in ancestry...and maybe watching SJP on Who Do You Think You Are? sparked my interest. Probably. But I totally want to sign up for the ancestry.com free trial, just to see if it's worth it. If I found much on my family's past generations, I know it would be. Except I have no money and no job. Maybe one day when I am a tad bit older?

Lookin Back Now, It Makes Me Laugh...

& I don't know, where the time goes, but it sure goes fast, just like that..Had no excuses for the things that we'd done. We were brave, we were crazy, we were mostly..Young.

Today, I had a long (and great) conversation with Kelli. It's like we picked up where we left off. Is that just something I have a knack for? Or is it that I can't completely let go of the past, no matter what's happened since. Maybe it's God or somebody up there telling me that I should give it a second chance.

It doesn't matter. I'm reconnecting with her for some reason. Maybe we're meant to be friends now. Maybe I'll never know. All I know is that I missed her and that I was very happy to talk about all our hilarious memories. Where will it go? I guess I will just have to wait and see. Like everything. She is Christina or Brianne. I won't pour my heart out and give anything and everything to rekindle our friendship, but I'm definitely not ruling it out.

Like my mom told me today.."You can never have too many friends."

I Stumbled Across Your Picture Today ; I Could Barely Breathe...

"I'm screaming at the sky... What do I with all I need to say? So much I wanna tell you..It break my heart. I've got these tears in my heart, but they get lost in the blue. Cause there's no address in stars.."

Dear Grandma,

It's 12:13 A.M. Not tragically late, but I know I need to be in bed, sleeping. But, I needed to write. Write something. Anything. As I wrote, I realized what needed to be said. I need to tell you how I feel. I know that you'll never read this or any possible letters in the future. Maybe you're reading over my should. I can hope, can't I? You taught me me that, you know. To hope.

You taught me more than I could ever express now or ever could have while you were still here. You taught me to endure, learn, and become a better because of every heartbreaking situation. How to pick up those broken pieces and make a better life for myself. That if I never experienced pain, I would never learn. That someone's life is always worse than your own and so, you need to be thankful for what you have been given. You taught me to forgive and to love unconditionally. You showed me how to see the bright side of any situation, even if I never will learn a most optimistic award.

Most of all I needed to write you because currently I'm filled with regret. I should have visited you more often . I don't believe in excuses. However, in my defense, it killed me a little more each time I saw and talked to the shell which was now my Grandma. It hurt me to see you try so hard to be you again. I still should have been there, you needed your family, and where was I? Pulling away because it hurt ME. How selfish.

I never called you last year on your birthday. I never even called you back on my birthday. I would even at times blow off your phone messages from my roommates that you had called. I was so upset with you the night of my graduation because you were so concerned with Katie and I talking. Most of all? I never said goodbye.

As I wrote this, I was flooded with memories of you. Not the huge, monumental ones. More like traits, mannerisms. Like how your fingernails were always long, painted at least pink or red. How you would never tell me no when I asked you scratch my legs. You would "steal" Sweet-n-Low from restaurants and ALWAYS had sugar free gum. How you made Nick and I watch music award shows (country ones) whenever you babysat us. You always called me your "best friend". All of these make me feel like you aren't gone forever or just not so far away. Maybe you aren't.

Am I sad? Of course. But you were in so much pain that I cannot help but be happy that you are finally at ease. The night you died, I thought about how you had the chance to see almost all your children here and the ones in Heaven in one night. How incredibly special.

Thank you for always making me laugh. Thank you. For everything.

I Love You,
Jenna

P.S. What's Heaven Like?

I'm Not Cryin Because I Feel Sorry For You; I'm Cryin For Me..

"So if you're up there watching me, would you talk to God and say 'Tell him I might need a a hand to see you both someday.."

I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend but I always thought that I'd see you again..

She's gone. My Grandma's gone.

I wanna walk with my grandma. She'll match me step for step. I'll tell her how I've missed her every minute since she's left...then I'll hug her neck.

Shocker? No. Still, I am devastated. I feel selfish. I wanted her to be there for my wedding. I know in some way I know in some way she will be. It still won't be the same.

It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this. And it's true that you've reached a better place. Bye bye..

I want the Grandma. The one I grew up with. The one who never failed to make me laugh. No, I mean, harder than ANYONE. The one who as a 9 year old, I would choose to spend countless days at her retirement facility over my friends. The one who would call me her "buddy". She would always give me & Nick something whenever we would leave her apartment and always make us her best meal, though we never wanted to eat it. And as bad it sounds, I somehow.. SOMEHOW, knew I was her favorite. I never remember countless nights she would babysit us and how she would always fall asleep, taping off beat award shows.

I must be strong and carry on cause I don't belong..Here in Heaven.

I could go on and I want to, but on the other hand..those memories. They belong in my mind and my heart. I don't want to forget anything. I'm terrified that sooner or later I will. Someday. I feel so incredibly guilty. I was hardly there in her last years. There are no excuses, but I just couldn't stand to see her go from so vibrant with life to what she was after her stroke. I tried with everything. It killed me inside every time.

Even though I can't touch your face, I feel you with me every day. I wish you could see all my dreams comin true. When I get lost, I close my eyes and I feel you shinin down on me so bright...My grandmother, my angel..

I loved her. I still do. I will FOREVER. I just hope she knows that. What am I talking about? Of course she does. She was no dummy.

& What You Did To Me I , I Can't Take Any More

I'll take these bad dreams and I'll lay them at the shore...

I didn't want to write about this in here. But then I thought about. What the hell? It's my blog and who the hell reads this anyway?

Brianne called me the other day telling me that she probably wouldn't make it my shower due to her sister's graduation ceremony. Okay.

1. She doesn't even know the time and is already telling me this. Why?
2. She is my MAID OF HONOR and made a commitment to me.
   
3. Christina, my matron of honor, already cannot come and would give ANYTHING to be there. I'm going to look like a fool.
4. Brianne kept tell me how hurt her sister would be if she wasn't there. Did she not think I would be hurt as well?
5. Honestly, looking back on it..walking at graduation wasn't a big deal. I'm not asking her to forget the entire day with her family or spend the whole day with me.
6. She really has not helped at all..with anything.
   

I don't have a sister, so I don't know how this all works. So I called Emily to see how she felt about the subject. She saw both sides, but felt that since Christina couldn't be there, Brianne definitely should be. I feel that if I made a commitment to be a maid of honor (I have), I would be there, especially for Brianne.

I guess it just hurts. I don't even know what to feel, let alone what to say.

lskjdflsdkjf;lskdjflskdjfslkfsdlfkj!!!!!!

And It's Just The Past & Me...

I guess I haven't been keeping up on this, have I? I need to so that when the year is over, I'll read it and smile. Or when I'm 25, 26, Hell..36, I'll laugh. I'm reading my journal from when I was 16 and I seriously cannot laughing. What the hell was wrong with me? This just goes to show that 16 year olds who think they are in love are completely stupid.

Oh wait..this one is actually kind of sad. It's about Christina. When we lost us. It weird to think that we were ever like that. Back then, it was strange to think that we would ever be here. And for awhile I didn't know why it had to happen (I do now). I can't imagine us ever being apart again. I don't think we would survive. Is that a little too dramatic? Maybe. But I heard a quote in a movie "It's like that fathom limb syndrome. It's gone, but you still feel like it's there, and it hurts." Yeah, I am being corny or dramatic, but I know us.

And there's Kelli. My best friend from high school. I guess I should use the words "best" and "friend" lightly. We weren't exactly Webster's definition, but God, did we have fun. After high school and I went off to CMU, I hardly saw her. She got into some trouble and while I wanted to help, she had pushed me too far in high school and I was just too sick and grown up by the time she called me in college. I miss the fun we had though.

Oh God Jason. Really Jenna..some hick from Ohio? With a daughter named Harley? What were you thinking? I have no words..except that it's incredibly embarrassing.

And of course your Andy. The "one you were so in love with. Who was the reason for your soul's existence, and why your heart beats." (gag) Oh, the trip he would take you on. You didn't even know.

Actually the trip LIFE take you on. I wonder where else it's gonna take me in the matter of 7 years..

Welcome To The Future

Time to write. I haven't been writing enough. I started this so that I could remember. That's why I write blogs and that's why I treasure my old online journals; They give me a peak into my past. My resolution (is it too late to make those?) is to write. It's not always going to be interesting but 1,2,5 years from now, I'll read this and smile. The same way I do with my other old ones.

I NEED a J.O.B. Ugh. I am so sick of looking. And applying. I feel like a failure. I KNOW it's bad out there. I KNOW the economy sucks. I KNOW I picked the most BS major and degree ever. But all I want is to get a job so that I can make some money and feel like I am contributing to well, I guess I should say society, but more to Keith and my future. I hate sitting around all damn day doing nothing. I hate the fact that I am going to have to go back to school even more. If it comes down to it though, that's what I'm going to have to do. I refuse to sit on my ass, being lazy.

Why aren't I smart enough to be a doctor?